Yesterday and moving into today, I am feeling the weight of battle fatigue. I have become battle weary.

Yesterday, I just broke down by the weight of my situation and shut down. I resigned to doing what I wanted- watching movies, resting, scrolling through social media, working out. It carried into today as I woke up at 7:48 am bypassing the 3:30 am normal wakeup and moving as I pleased.

I am just now (as it is heading into the late afternoon) coming back around, doing this blog, preparing to read scripture and spending the night getting into alignment with the Lord.

I've revisited an important lesson that I know will help me in ministry.

It's not that I am lacking understanding, information, revelation, motivation, hunger, desire or skill.

I am just tired.

The battle has been long, and I grow tired of the "just hold on, one day it's all coming."

What I have heard that allows me to press in and keep going, I've heard for years. Let's just say it's lost its ability to move me.

One day is coming, perhaps, if I do all the right things, but what of my day-to-day life until then?

How much more will I suffer? How much lower will I go into the pit?

I am feeling tired of being puppeteered by both God and the enemy with no end in sight.

My biggest problem is that there are constant movements and shifts by the Lord. I know this is because as He gives me tasks and I learn them and get comfortable in them, He gives me something else, stretching me to help me grow. But I feel like I haven't seen success in the previous things, and I am just tired of building and not reaping fruit and tired of shifting.

What words would you say to encourage me right now?

I have heard them all for years, taught, preached and applied them.  It leaves me with a feeling of absolute burnout and fatigue.

I just want rest and to not be controlled every second of my day.

I found myself running through an affluent community today on my run envying the people shopping, exercising or just with their significant other. Their life seemed so light and easy.

It's amazing how one day I can be so content and at peace being lost in God and the next peering outside and yearning for the world and its normalcy.

I can only imagine Elijah one moment calling down fire from heaven and then in the next, on the run, exhausted asking God to kill him.

But I know the lesson to be learned in this is how to push through fatigue and burnout and to continue moving in Him toward the high calling He is leading us too.

I also know that as I read scripture, talk with the Lord and repent, my heart will open back up and soften to the Lord and His process. 

Again, this has all been experienced before, for years and I'm just tired.

I just want to rest my mind, body and even my heart but I keep hearing "keep going."

Have you ever just felt over it?

But I know there is nowhere left for me to go but forward. So, I must pick myself up, incline my heart to the Lord and keep going.

What words do I have for you today?

Simply that you are not alone.

From Jesus:

Neither are you, Jennifer. I am here with you even when you feel like you are not here with me and have left. I know you are tired, but the finish line is right there. It is within eyesight. You are closer than you have ever been before. Just keep going and you will see it. I know sometimes you get angry with me, but it is my job to get you to that finish line and beyond. And Jennifer, YOU MAKE IT. I would not push you at your worst if you didn't. Just a little further, just a little more and you will see what this has all been about. You can't give up, although I know you want too. Please, for me. I need you. They need you. Keep going. I do love you Jennifer and am with you in this.