Today

Where have I been? I hope it is everywhere God has led me.

I am still in the safest place that I can be, in the refuge of God.

I picture myself as a child curled up in the Fathers hand held close to His heart.

I am so loved, protected, covered.

Here, I just want to be with HIm.

I want undisturbed rest in Him.

Me and my Father are with one another.

No devil, no temptation, no aspect of this world, I want to pull me on or distract me.

I want to be with God.

I keep checking with the lord, desperate to stay in His perfect will as a spouse checks with their other half. Do you still love me?

God, are you there? Just checking. Is this where you want me?

No one or nothing will separate me from the love of the Lord.

Nothing or no one will pluck me out of the hand of Jesus.

I am still aspiring to go higher in the Lord.

This will be a lifelong pursuit as I know I will never exhaust the heights nor the depths in God.

He has whispered the more into my spirit.

I hunger and thirst for it.

I am excited about the new in Him.

Have I missed social media, my old life, my old ways...not as much as I thought.

It as though my soul was ready to discard what was, to embrace the new.

God had went before me and loosed the chains and handed me the keys. 

He then wooed me unto Himself. 

It took a while to finally let go of where I was and walk to where He was. Even now as I .walk with Him, fearful in my flesh but trusting in my spirit.

I am trusting the old me is shedding more and more each day and the new me is emerging.

I thought they were holding me back. I thought the world was holding me back. I thought society and culture was holding me back.

I thought religion and the church was holding me back. I thought the devil was holding me back.

As God continued to open my eyes and strip me from each element, I was only left with me.

In the quiet, stillness and clarity, to my surprise I looked to see what had a tight grip on me.

Why was I still not free?

Why did I still feel like a caterpillar emerging out of its cocoon as a butterfly only half developed?

Upon much introspection, it was fear.

Fear of the intensity of the moment.

Fear of losing me.

When I looked back at what was holding me back, it was me.

My mind, my ego, my pain center all have take on a life of their own and they were fighting Me.

I had blamed the enemy for so long. Sure, he knew how to start the wheel, but I kept it in motion.

With all of the smoke screens and distractions cleared, I now know the true enemy is the inner me.

I am left with the gut wrenching reality that I must part with all that I know is me.

I have not been on this journey to transform but to all together become transmuted into Him.

I have to not only deny her, I must abandon her, I must cut off her life supply and leave her to die.

I must be born again.

How does willing enter into death?

How does one maintain and sustain the intensity of death?

How did our Lord withstand the crucifixion?

Help me Holy Spirit understand.

Holy Spirit:

Jennifer, it was because it was the only way. Jesus presented Himself three times to the Father to ask if the cup of crucifixion could be passed before Him. Jesus knew long before the moment what his fate was and explained it to His disciples many times to prepare them, yet when the moment came he sweated droplets of blood in agony. As God, did not relieve Him of His purpose , He knew He had too. Jenny,  God is asking the same of you. You have asked HIm in many times, in many ways to spare you of this death as it is frightening. Your heart and soul cries out to Him to spare you as you try to convince Him of the torture you will endure and questioned HIs love for you. His love sent His son to be crucified on the cross. That same love is sending you to be crucified as well. Do you not know by now, with all your requests, detours, failed attempts that there is no other way? Your unwillingness to face it, your hesitation and delay, your fear does not remove the task before you, it only highlights it. It waits for you and taunts you like the raven in the night "evermore". When will you be done with it? 

You know this is the answer to your prayers.

This is the process in which you seek.

This is where the path ends.

The portal scares you as it is unknown.

The portal is of no significance only who is there with you leading and guiding you.

Where does it lead? God knows and soon so shall you.

The inevitable is soon to come.

Your time is here.

God has declared the time has come.

Soon you shall see. 

There is no other way and you will be glad there was none.

This is how you will walk into it willing and endure.

Your father beckons you. 

What is behind you has fallen away.

You have out grown where you are.

The only place to go now is forward.

Go. All of creation is waiting.