I am having a mix of feelings that I am trying to process. I am in the process of building yet something else for the Lord. It appears to be a culmination if projects that I have worked on over the years in hopes that the Lord has said "cast your net to the other side" and this time will be the time that the birthing happens. I have to admit that I grow weary with putting so much effort into things without being able to see the fruit of it that matches and/or exceeds the effort I put into it.
I understand what God is doing in the process but to say I have a hint of pessimism and discouragement about, yet, again putting my all into something new is a light way of expressing my feelings. Even in this, I am still hopeful and just know it's my time. It just has to be. Is this another lesson or is this what God is going to use to catapult me in into my Promised Land? I honestly, dont know.
And this is where I find myself today- not knowing. And its shows...
I was just talking with the Lord and He wanted to make it clear about what I want. I have been waiting so eagerly on the Promised land full of the bigness that God has been putting on my spirit, but the Lord had me really reflect on if I wanted it.
Do I want the striving, efforting, busyness etc. that comes with establishing and maintaining celebrity, fame, public presence, even a spouse, friendships, community, ministry? What would it all be for? What would it amount to? Days and nights of relentless pursuit of... establishing myself in the world as a vessel of God and managing relationships with others. As I type this and reflect, it sounds exhausting.
Maybe I've been in isolation too long. I've been without for so long, to have to manage much is beginning to sound undesirable. I have had a full life already. To start another one after years of trying is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Ever want something for so long and not get it to only move way beyond a heart sick but a heart dead?
What if the work is no longer desired? I feel so battle worn from the training that I feel I don't have much desire left for the battle. It's as though I can see the battlefield a far off but yet, I have gotten comfortable in the place where I am, what feels like far away. I went away with Jesus for so long going back just doesn't seem so attractive. And I just worry, it's another false start.
Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be? Not wanting the big, the more, the spotlight, but willing to go into it out of obedience to Jesus. Is this simply another layer of dying to self. I just know that there is a feeling of death, surrender, malaise, while also drive to transition out of the wilderness to tackle destiny.
Again, maybe this not knowing, this waving of the white flag is me fading into the background and the spirit coming forth to do the heavy lifting. I just know this is where I am.
The journey has been long, and I just know the Lord's will will be done. I just pray I please Him.
Jesus responds:
This IS your time. You can feel it in the air Jennifer. Why are all the suitors coming, counterfeits used as a distraction because you are going to meet your kingdom spouse. Why the project that houses ALL of the projects and tasking we've worked for years? Why the transition to establish routines of normalcy? Why the building because there is no more to be stripped. Why the shift?
Jennifer EVERYTHING around you is stirring. You need to trust what your spirit is communicating. Believe for what you know and for what I have told you-finishing touches. Discern the change in season. Know that I have already seen you on this other side of this journey. I would not have started it with you if I felt like you were not going to be ready for what I'm bring you into.
This feeling you have, USE IT. You don't need them, it. You are only there because I have instructed. This is freedom that can't be brought. You will see soon how it all works together for your good. Nothing Jennifer will be wasted. Trust me. You have been prepared and are ready. Only believe.
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