Lost

I have been in a not so good place lately. I realized that I have become nothing. Who am I? I have been stripped of all. On this journey to follow God, I have lost so much more than I have gained. I have lost everything. Here I sit in a hostel with 18 other people-one other female. I have no home to call my own, my car is in the shop. I can't afford to get it out. Everything I own fits in a corner next to my bunk bed or rather a bunk bed. I have no say over my appearance- God controls that. I have no say over schedule-God controls that. I am in a city unknown to me. I am without my adult children. I am without a man to call my own.

I have been at this for so long. I lost my life to Jesus. Is this the life I gain? 

Right now, I grow so sick and tired of the same rhetoric: 

"You are almost there. Don't give up just before your breakthrough. You're so close-closer than you've ever been."

To add, I don't even know if I want it anymore. Again, a heart past sick, a heart dead.

I just saw on my old social media channel that it just had it's 1 year birthday. I have been at this a year. What do I have to show for it?

How can I continue to tell people to follow God when following God costs me everything.

I lost myself and am not allowed to find myself. I am to stay in nothingness. How could I even in prison?

But I wake up today to even more tasking-this blog, that I can't say no to.

Still yet, another day, here I remain, a prisoner of Christ.

From Jesus:

Jennifer, it won't be long now. Just hold on a bit longer. You are right there and will have more than you ever dreamed or imagined. Just trust me. I am taking you somewhere, but you must know you will get there when you are ready. Do not ask for something that you know in your heart, you cannot yet handle. Trust me to finish what I have started in you. DO NOT awaken love before its time. Do not unveil the gift that is you before it has been properly prepared. Enjoy these last moments of calm and quiet. Your storm of blessings is coming. Wait on it. I do not lie. My word is true. Soon you will see.