This was an exercise I used to daily as a part of my devotion time. I would face and explore the truth about myself, then give that truth over to Jesus and let Him reveal to me Himself, the Truth. For the day, it would become my prayer point.
Today, my truth is that I feel numb. The honest truth that I have to face is something that I know holds me back in every aspect of my spiritual walk with Christ. Me, being honest here and facing it today, with the desire to have a starting place with Jesus, is giving me hope.
See, there has been a problem in my walk that I have never been able to get to. I just simply didn't know what it was but today I feel like I have.
My truth...I don't need it.
This is serious. What don't I need?
Purpose or destiny
Identity, character building
Achievement, success, fame or riches
Jesus
Let me explain. I have had 20 years in the military of proving, striving, character building, success and failures. I have seen what I can do in the tough. I have been made in many ways there. I have had pretty much everything I wanted materialistically. I have achieved much- my Master's (cant do a PhD until you have 3 years of ministry in which I am not led to do yet). Marathons and heights of physical fitness I have conquered. I have traveled the world, in the military and vacationing. My kids are grown 20 and 22 and live in another city. I've done the heavy lifting in parenting. I recently divorced from a 22-year marriage-been there done that.
I don't need fame, millions of dollars, celebrity, validation from the world. There is nothing more to prove.
What's left?
It's where I believe Jesus wanted me so all that would be left would be Him. So I went after Him.
Book after book, scripture after scripture, talks, lessons.
Healing, transforming, learning, practicing, performing month after month after month.
I know this is all training and preparation.
But truth be told the only reason why I do any of it is because I love Jesus.
In my retirement, I was supposed to be on a beach somewhere sippin' margaritas.
But I gave that up because I love Jesus. I mean I really love Jesus. But with all of the testing, trying, stretching, stripping and funneling onto the path, I feel the love is just too much.
I wanted what Jesus wants. I wanted a supernatural life living in a new dimension. I wanted new. But it feels like as the carrot dangles in front of me never being able to access it, meanwhile, still being required to do more and more I now desire to retreat to simplicity.
The longer I have to wait, the more I have to do, the more-without even my permission- my exhausted and fatigued body, heart and soul shrinks back in defeat.
My desire for Jesus is even waning. My once true love no longer feels desirable anymore as it is attached to all of this. My time with Him has changed and suffered as I live in a house with many, I cannot pray, worship, speak in tongues, war aloud. I must do it inwardly in my bunk bed and at 3 or 4 am I always fall back to sleep. So, I stopped. When I do read, pray-it's for "them". Ministry. It turns into a lesson I have to teach. I know longer even get Him all to myself.
I lost my life to Him. I renounced everything and gave Him all. What did I think would happen?
All I know is that after decades of restriction, rule, regulation, and all of the "have-toos", I am cooked.
What was once a MUST to get to Jesus has become an unending, unattainable grind that my being has already given up on. My spirit man is trying to pull me through, but my flesh has given up and is at a dead stop.
Where does one even go from here?
From Jesus,
Jennifer, I know your past the point of exhaustion. I will restore you. I renew your strength and your hope in me. There are times, when you have done all you can, and you can no longer go any further. This is the point where I carry you. I told you that you make it, so that means if you can no longer, I must. Trust that your story has already been written and you my friend are the victor. I am telling you now to keep going and you're fighting those words because you tire of them. Know that I know where you are, and I know how to get you to the other side. I fight for you and will continue to do so. Do what you feel that you must and know nothing will separate you from my love.
Foot Prints in the Sand
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
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