Today I find myself in cycles. It's not just high highs and low lows. It's cycles that prevent me from moving forward. Yesterday morning, as you can tell from the post, I wasn't feeling so hot about my relationship with God and the station of life He has me in.
By the end of the day, I was back on track. The holy spirit revealed to me why I was going through what I was, how that would help to expose my identity in Christ and transition me into the minister He desired. I went to bed with understanding, clarity but most importantly, surrender to the process.
This morning, however, I found in my devotion time, my prayer shifting rapidly causing me to spiral. I prayed for money to pay my bills (as He said He would do), a home (to do His ministry in), money for external things I needed to present myself well such as clothing, shoes (He told me to throw all of mine away). These were specific prayers God told me to pray.
What's pisses me off is how much I have done for God. I have given up EVERYTHING for God out of my love for Him. I have worked my butt off day and night for years. Yet my situation is worse than it has EVER been.
I could go out and very well fix this myself and get 2 jobs, a man, a place and go to work fixing this abysmal situation. But yet the response is to wait. How am I supposed to trust when I did follow Him into homelessness, lost EVERYTHING and still being asked to do more meanwhile my situation is still deteriorating more and more by the moment?
This morning, I am wondering why Gods word has not been made manifest in my life. I feel ashamed and embarrassed of this life that is completely in the gutter.
I feel used, tricked, abandoned, manipulated, beaten, crushed. What hurts is that this was supposed to the only way I would actually experience love in my lifetime- the source of love; love itself. This is love?
In love, I chased love and found what feels like theft, destruction, death and devouring. Am I being led by the devil? How can the devils and Gods methods even be comparable? Have I been led into the wilderness by God or the devil?
Has it been him this whole time?
From Jesus-
The devil and I want death. I want crucifixion. I want the death of the self and life that was created to serve you; to serve him. I want to give you life; help you rebuild a life that is firmly rooted in me and that is dedicated to serve me.
You gave me your life. I know you want it back, but you have lost it forever. Jennifer, there is no going back. You have been chosen to do a great work for me. Too much is given, much is required. You have given up more than most. You have been through what many have not. Many would have not survived your trials, and many will never know them, but I do.
I know all of your quiet sufferings. I have all of your tears and know all of your pain and hurt. Do not try to go back. The door is sealed. Your only way is forward. Again, keep going...
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