I’m back! Where did I go? I tried to run as far away from God as possible and ended up EXACTLY where He wanted me too. God knows how to get us to make major shifts in our lives. If you are anything like me, the major pivots, shifts, transitions in life are so uncomfortable and so jarring they cause hesitancy, stagnation even paralysis. I have to admit, I’m looking for the place of comfort.
Oh, I can stand discomfort until the new car smells wears off, then I’m over it and I begin looking for the way out, back to a place of comfort.
To be honest, I have realized with this last situation, that I don’t if I have what it takes from my perspective, to get over the hump in my spiritual walk to make the progress God wants me to make. As I’m typing the Holy spirit said “you don’t, I do”. It’s a reminder to me that I have taken myself as far as I can go and only the Lord can take me the rest of the way,
I have to come to terms with the fact that I can’t. I have exhausted all of my natural resources, my strength and ability, everything I have on trying to do the God thing. I have experienced some success, but only by the hand of God.
With nowhere else to turn, with doing all I know to do, I have no option to surrender and let God take it from here. I just simply can’t. I'm failing at what God is asking me to do. I can't do the things at this level to the degree He desires. I have tried and tried and tried. And I have failed. I hate failing. I don’t like feeling incompetent and weak. This last situation left me in such a state of exhaustion and fatigue that I was immobilized until my thoughts went so far into the dark that I didn’t want to return.
With those feelings I ran from God to another city. I was dead set on starting over- a life on my own terms, where I was in control. Funny enough I thought I was in control, but God was leading me the whole time.
After I left, w/i 24 hours I began turning back to the Lord. Within that 24 hours, events were kicked off that, in time, with His guidance catapulted me into another stage of this journey. It was answers to my prayers, my moanings and groanings, a deal I had made with God days prior that I had forgotten. When I realized what happened, Jesus and I laughed hard.
I mean I was so mad, angry, determined to do this life on my own. I was saying my goodbyes to God. I was serious. It was all just a setup for the radical shift He wanted me to make. One that as I write, I realized He had been wanting me to do a few times, I just wasn’t catching on. Oh, but in the midst, we just looked at it and laughed. He gave me a lesson to teach on YouTube live called “the righteous fall but seven times and they arise”.
What have I learned? It is all in God’s control.
"The Lord knows the way that we take and when are tested, we will come out as pure gold" Job 23:10.
He knows how to get us EXACTLY where He wants us. The Lord is doing something in our lives. We may not agree with His methods or be comfortable with them but to know our God is one of holiness and perfection. He love us so much and leading us to that same end. We just have to trust Him.
So now, with my self exhausted, I lay it down before you Lord. I have never been here or done this before. I cannot get over the hump myself so I give. Lord have your way.
And this was His desire all along.
From Jesus:
YOU MADE IT. This is where I wanted you to get to. You finally trust Me to do whatever I desire. Congratulations. It is finished.
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