Not feeling it

Today I was just not feeling being controlled.

It started early this morning.

I didn't want to do a YouTube live on the topic the Lord gave me and I was angry.

The Holy Spirit would not let me have peace until I did, I felt forced and that set the tone for the day.

The day was full of I don't want to nor feel like it, but it was made clear I had no choice.

When I reflected on the current state of my life, all of the joy has been taken out of my usual activities.

My day is full of have-to's not get-to's.

Even what I get to do has been modified so that it has become a have-to.

My life is no longer my own. It belongs to Christ.

Some days I'm excited about it. Other days I'm in love with it. Some days I'm so thankful for it.

Today, not so much.

Today, I just wished I could do me.

What would I have done? EVERYTHING different.

Yet here I am. At the end of the day, having done all that was asked of me-pleasing to God all while denying myself.

It feels like that has been my story my entire life and now will be my destiny. I don't matter, sacrifice, give up yourself for the sake of everything and everyone else.

Usually, I make those statements with joy as proof I have arrived.

Today they are made in sorrow as I grieve what may never be again, freedom to live life on my own terms.

What I heard this morning in my spirit, "I must show you how much you must suffer for me".

Even less comforting than it sounds.

Does this change my today, tomorrow or future?

No, just a no-good very bad day with the devil's signature all over it.

No warring in the spirit, worshipping, praying going all in. Today, I don't want to play. I'm tired, exhausted and am so ready to end this day.

These are my real thoughts, real confessions of a prisoner of Christ. 

Some days I rejoice. Some days I mourn for what was. But always moving forward in Christ.

Know when you struggle on this journey, you are not alone.

Consider Elijah, Moses, Paul, Abraham, David, Noah etc. Good moments, bad moments, still all men chosen by God and used mightily by Him.

So tonight, I go to bed no different than how I woke up- in chains.

I took off the chains of the world and put on the chains of Christ.

And this is my life. And there is nothing I can do about it.

From Jesus-

There is much you don't understand. Soon you will. Keep going and you will see that every moment of each day was necessary to prepare you for your next. No one likes discipline while going through it until they get on the other side and realize it was all for their good. I discipline those whom I love. Allow me to do in this time what needs to be done and you will come out all the better on the other side. I love you Jennifer. My General in training.