Witness Protection

So my last post was close to a week ago.

Where was I?

Physically, in the same place.

My heart and soul... everywhere else.

Oh will my heart ever stop wandering?

Has my soul secretly enjoyed the wilderness?

Does the devil know the secret attachments of the desert?

The lack of responsibility, accountability, demand of people coupled with the quiet shelter of you and Jesus.

Is it the enemy?

or is it self-sabotage?

Have I gotten comfortable and taken up permanent residence in the wilderness?

Have I made a home for the enemy and accepted his place in my life?

His actions are easily detected.

I even hear the Holy Spirit saying "fight back".

Why don't I?

I thought it was because of battle fatigue, the weight of the journey. But the more I reflect on it, I have come to realize that I have simply accepted it. I'm use to it.

To be honest, Mi use to things not working out, things falling apart, the disappointments, the putting my all into something will little to no return.

I'm use to lack, less than desirable living conditions, not having, negative interactions with rude people.

Call it spiritual warfare, testing, training, purging, revealing, preparing. Call it what you desire but call it done several times over where it is now just another day in the neighborhood.

My hunger and drive for escape has dwindled and no longer propels me to fight.

I feel like the captive who no longer lives on the cusps of freedom and of a life beyond the 4 walls that her gaze along with heart and soul remains outside the prison

but one

who has resigned to making a comfortable life inside her cage adjusting to captivity, learning how to make it work all while accepting the harsh realities of imprisonment.

Understand, this was not a decision that was made. Only the result of a woman beat down day after day. The fight I once thought was to draw out the warrior, maybe was meant to subdue the prisoner.

Maybe I had to give up the fight, so that God would have room to fight.

Maybe I had to stop working so hard so that God could work for me.

Maybe I had to stop hungering and thirsting so that I could realize I was already well fed.

Maybe I had to give up the pursuit of the dream so I could be left with God alone and pursue Him.

Maybe the prison I retreated to, I resigned to, was really the fortress and refuge of God Himself.

I was so focused on getting out, that I didn't realize it was His protection from anything getting in

to access me.

This is why although there are clear boundaries, restraint, restriction,

there is secret attachment of safety, comfort, known.

The release will not happen upon my effort or desire but upon the word of God.

When will that happen?

New question-

Why would I want it to happen?

From Jesus:

Can you remain in that place with me Jennifer? Stop striving for a way out and appreciate every moment you have with me independent of your wants and desire outside of me. Will your want and desire for me rise above and cancel out your desire for anything else? Jennifer, I chose you. Today, you stand in the midst of options. You can either choose to serve the world, yourself or me. Just as I have chosen you. I desire for you to choose me-not based on any condition or moment in time but for all time. Jennifer, will you choose me?