Check-in

Where am I today in my thoughts, in my heart, in my feelings, in my very soul, in my spirit?

I am feeling a bit off this morning. 

I guess I am beginning to wonder what is it all for?

Yesterday I had an explosive day.

Today, not so much.

I'm in deep reflection.

Yes, I see micro movements occurring in my life that gave me so much hope yesterday.

But today it as though I have sobered up. 

My new schedule the Lord has set me on is 10 p.m.-3 p.m.

I enjoy being awake while everyone's sleep.

I often work and spend time with the Lord for hours without interruption in complete silence.

This is one of the many changes the Lord has made in my life.

Every aspect of my life and being has been touched by God and changed, from physical appearance to my exercise routine, my nutrition, the way I speak, my thought life, my behavior, my daily activities and pursuits, how I interact with people, simply everything.

I spend hours working for the Lord. 

All day I am at His command.

As I look at the dismal state of my personal life and affairs over the past years,

I understand it is all for me, and although I see the change within me, I am still in the pit.

I am working tirelessly, in a pit.

I understand why. It has now been the major focus of my ministry to explain to others why and help them understand what God is doing.

It still, after a while, wears on me. 

I don't need motivation, inspiration, words of wisdom, revelation. I get it.

Today, I'm just feeling a bit numb to it all.

You ever have those days?

I'm not bitter, angry, frustrated, or in despair, just numb.

I have been working so hard on myself and in ministry, forsaking all else and what do I have to show for it?

I know. I know. 

I am the one in the wilderness, wearing camel hair and eating wild honey and locusts shouting to all "repent for the kingdom is near" (my current role in Christ- John the Baptist).

Translation:

In a shelter, with a handful of belongings that can fit in a backpack, eating whatever is served, ministering in any way God directs on any given day.

And today, in my fatigue and exhaustion, as though I am coming off an extreme high from yesterday, am asking myself what is it all for?

For the saving of souls? How many people does the work the Holy spirit perform through me save and positively influence? I know even one person should be enough and it should also be enough that I am obedient.

I just can't help but to think about all of the countless hours I have put in and sacrifices I've made for such little impact.

Do I need the result to be millions?

Although it would justify my hard work, would I really want the responsibility and demand of millions?

What type of life would that be?

Are you beginning to see my conudrum?

Is it all just "chasing the wind"?

God is making me a minister. He is also making me a Kingdom entrepreneur and businesswoman.

What is the end result of that- a thriving business, fame, money?

As a retired veteran who served 20 years and was supposed to be on a beach sipping margaritas (alcohol free), when I ponder that I immediate think of demands, work, stress, potential corruption.

Is this a worthy pursuit?

The Lord has changed me.

There has been much work done in the process of sanctification and uncovering/walking in my identity in Christ, but where does that leave me?

I have no friends, no husband, no family. 

I know I am in isolation, but I have been here for so long, at this point, they would seem to be more of a burden than a help.

The isolation is changing me. It is supposed to in that no matter who is around me, I will live life isolated with Jesus.

As beautiful as that thought sounds, living the reality of it saddens me a bit. But then again, I've never liked being around people.

Is the promise wealth and money?

Is that what I am working so hard for?

I never cared so much for money. I just don't want to suffer and struggle. I don't want to be distracted by debt and imprisoned by lack. I want to be free financially.

I worry that the money will change me. Money has a spirit on it. I know its power to influence. I dont want to become a puppet, an entertainer or a jest. I want to remain free.

Yet, to have the freedom with money for myself to be comfortable; to finance my adult children's future, to serve the kingdom would be incredible; yet, still, it sounds like more to do, more responsibility.

Do I want fame?

It would validate my work, but I shouldn't need it. 

Do I really want to live under the spotlight and scrutiny of the world?

So, what is it all for?

Just what is this all for?

From the Holy Spirit:

Jennifer, it is not for you. It is for Me. It is for them. You have given your life over to me. I told you I let you experience all of life, in all that you have done and accomplished, because I knew one day I would ask you for it all. It is no longer your life to be lived by you. Your prayer was that you become my avatar and that you go away in Me. Remember "my heart for God".  Today I place a demand on that- for you to go away in Me. Tuck yourself away in my refuge. Simply disappear in Me. Allow me to have your mouth, hands and feet to do with it as I choose. Allow me to drive the avatar and maintain it the way that I want to. It does belong to me, right? Your life belongs to me, right? Then you shouldn't be able to make sense of your life as it relates to outcomes that serve you.

Your life has been given over to serve Me. The sooner you can truly understand that your life is no longer your own and honor your giving your body as a living sacrifice to Me to be poured out as a drink offering, you will no longer have these concerns. Jennifer, these were your prayers to me. You sing often, you would take me at my word. I have taken you at your word. You are trying to hold onto your life desperately when it should have long been given away. It's time. Lay down your life afresh. Outcomes, lifestyle, you, are no longer your concern. It is time to truly live out scripture.

Do not worry about what to eat, drink nor wear. I'll take care of that.

Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Don't say what you will do tomorrow. That is up to Me.

Deny yourself. Take up your cross and follow Me.

Lose your life to Me.

Be a prisoner in chains to Me.

Go away with Me.

Your presence is no longer required there. It is being summoned in Me.

Jennifer, die to Me.

When you can accomplish this, we will proceed.