Reality sets in

I thought by now it would have happened.

That I would be living far beyond anything I have ever desired.

My heart was always set on a simple life, a tiny home, minimalism, rest, joy and love.

I would have been fine living in that way.

But God laid promises before me.

The promises birthed desire, impatience and frustrations as it has been dangled in front of me for months, years without ever grasping it.

Why did God do this to me?

I was an active participant in the decision making.

I just wish me and God can be partners in a way that serves both of our wants and needs.

Where He asks me to do and provides the resources and covering to do it.

Where He cares enough about my financial needs to provide monetarily.

Where He cares about the matters of my heart to allow me to be with another.

Where He cares enough about my children to allow me to provide for them.

Where He cares enough about my shelter and travel to ensure my safety and comfort in my very own.

I feel like God is desiring me to give more than all and even what I dont have for His glory and I just wish He would give His all for me.

I know He is giving me what He believes I need- suffering, hardship and isolation.

I just wish there was another way.

It has been so long.

I just want to smile again authentically.

I just want to experience joy in my soul.

I just want to experience love.

Am I not worthy?

Have I not suffered enough?

Have I not done everything asked?

Have I not broke time and time again?

Have I not worked hard enough?

This love was supposed to be my final, my once and only opportunity to feel pure love; yet, I feel even more unaccepted than I ever have, more pressure to change, more neglect than I have ever.

I know it is all for purpose; it's all out of love etc, etc.

I just wished I was important to Him like He is to me.

I wish He responded to my prayers like I am required to respond to His instructions with immediacy and urgency.

I just wish we could be more of a team.

My thoughts are wishes and not prayers because my prayers get carried away into the vastness of His infinitude so far now I just wish.

I long for the day that we can be the dynamic duo in which He is adding all things to me as I seek His kingdom and righteousness.

I long for the day His word is made manifest in my life.

I long for the testimony that reveals His word is true.

But for now, I continue to suffer greatly by His hand in extreme poverty; in extreme lack; alone in utter isolation all because I chose Him.

In my pit, I can hear the laughter and feel the joy and sense the living of good life from others.

It makes me even more sad as I am too ashamed to cry out.

What good what it do?

My own Father placed me here; day after day, month after month and yet still I praise His name.

And still, I encourage other people to go to Jesus.

I do my part daily for him to the best of my ability.

I work tirelessly for Him as a slave at His feet.

Is a home of my own too much to ask for?

I work for God, I am wrong to not expect compensation?

I know, Jesus didnt have a place to lay His head.

Our life has already been paid for by His blood.

But yet the wish to have bills paid, a home, food is still a desire of mine.

A wretched woman I am.

Why do I continue to fall into sorrow and despair?

Can one live an entire life with seemingly nothing in contentment?

I guess my emotions are so raw because it's nearing the end of the year with only a matter of days left.

I thought by now it would have happened.

I started on the latest adventure in February of the year. This "go to a land where I will show you" journey.

It's nearing the end of December.

I trusted God.

And look to where my trust has landed me.

Almost a full year of dedication and hard work, fasting and prayer, healing and overcoming fears and where am I?

Penniless, in a shelter, no gas in my car, alone, with rarely a good meal all because I said yes.

I know I am chosen but I feel I have been discarded.

I know this is where the queen is born but these are the dark places I visit from time to time in my very soul.

Some days I have great faith in which I am soaring on the wings of the Lord. Other days, like today, I am burdened with sorrow and despair.

Its spiritual warfare. Again, I know. 

I know.

God led His very own son to be beaten and battered to the point where He was unrecognizable and crucified on the cross.

Like Jesus, I asked for another way but there is none.

God has chosen me to suffer for His name.

My response, I will show up again tomorrow at my appointed place of duty, at His feet ready to receive instruction to serve His people.

I just wish God could be there for me like I am for Him.

I wish He would respond to me like I to Him.

What happens with wishes?

What happens with prayers?

From Jesus:

I join you in your sadness. I join you in your despair. I join you in your tears. You do not suffer alone. I suffer with you. Today, know, I suffer with you. Time will heal your wounds and restore your heart that has gone sick. He has a plan for you that will turn out for your good. You will NEVER have to experience a season like this again. Just trust Him and watch all of your prayers will be answered; even ones you didn't even know to pray. He's coming through Jennifer. He's coming through...